My previous post titled "Reflecting at the Attic" was an encomium to some of the greatest teachers/gurus I have met and been mentored by in my life. A lot of students and youngsters read my blogs, I wish to address to them about my experience as a research student/scholar at the Music Department of the Madras University for seven years. This experience involves many stories of rich learning, interactions and the opportunities to understand and appreciate the Banyan tree that is the Madras University and the history and legacy that is the Music department there enjoys due to the contributions of many greats including people like Prof. Sambamurthy, Prof. N.Ramanathan, Dr.S.Seetha and others.
But this blog is a truth telling of a traumatic experience that was my Ph.D completion with this department. Being a full time performer and a actor my life is very busy juggling between shooting spots, rehearsals, classes and performance. When I decided to pursue my Masters academically, many people laughed sayign Im going to need more than 24 hours in a day. But I did manage it all and also to everyone's astonishment I stood first in my classes. The burning desire to "Know more" itched me to apply for a doctoral degree.
Admitting me was the choice of the department. It was an exam that determines the aptitude of the candidate and I had it, it seemed, so there was no looking back. If you have read my previous blogs you might have understood the extent of joy I derived in this journey. I met so many scholars, worked with/ under many superb theoriticians, interacted with many simple but awesome people. Those have been the most rewarding years and for this I sacrificed many of my other commitments be it cinema, Television, friends, family, social life etc. I recognised that serious academic pursuit requires serious time allocation and I did so more than willingly.
My guide at the Music department was a woman of talent but also a woman of mighty mood swings. For someone like me from the profession of cinema where mood swings are considered unprofessional behaviour this was really new and amusing. But, everyone else at the department taught me to work "around" her. We would whisper, tip toe, avoid and just simply resist the temptation to retaliation every time we were pushed around by her temper.
She was as little involved in my work and its progress as possible. It turned out to be an ample opportunity to meet other truly great scholars. So, in fact I always say that I had not one guide for my work but many many greats!
Not withstanding all this I worked at this department for six and half years before submitting my thesis. The fact that I was a known face, and someone who was not only a mere student but also a professional was at sometimes a pride for them. I was flaunted as an important student at functions, NAC committee meets etc but when the time came they would use it to nag me. But life had over the years made me tough and taught me to be strong and stand above such judgements. My doctoral thesis was given the rare distinction of "highly commendable" by both the international and national examiners. It was the duty of the department to fix my viva voce date at the earliest.
But the last straw in the hat began then. The department and my guide played the dirty game of politics of prejudice and malice. They wanted to delay my getting my doctoral degree, it seemed for they suppressed the very fact that the evaluations had come in! Next my thesis copy at the department went missing! When I demanded to know where it had gone, it miraculously returned to the cupboard in an hour! I had to seek the intervention of the Vice chancellor to help give me a fair viva. Thereupon, the department conducted the most grudging viva, perhaps in its history.
First of all, the external examiner who came had not either read or was not given the thesis in advance or could not comprehend the work at all. For a work that was entirely on the Nayak period, most of his questions were on why I hadn't written about the Cholas! Secondly, I was refused permission any assistance in operating the laptop etc. I had to set it up, operate, sing, dance, speak etc. Never mind that all other candidates who had done their viva before me had used their students, friends to help them. In fact some of them even had others answer the questions that were asked. Such is the advantage of being in the "right" side of the department head, I supposed.
My viva was attended by students, scholars from various institutions and eminent persons. Those who asked questions or wanted to comment on my work, be it a department head of another University or a historian were all "shooshed and shut up-ed" by the irreverent guide as she was in a dashing hurry to be done with my viva. I was given a mere 15 minutes to present my work. The six years of work was capsuled in essence to 15 minutes, music, dance, script, videos, research included. But even those 15 minutes were interrupted with constant chattering between the guide and the external examiner! Both the audience and me were left shocked by this unprofessionalism.
But the two things that hurt me and left me completely dislodged were how I was never allowed to take even a single photo during the viva in memory of that momentous day. Every one who has done their viva in the department had videographed their proceedings and I was categorically told to not take even a picture. Perhaps they wanted no evidence of the mistreatment of a candidate on tape! The "and the oscar goes to..." moment in every Ph.D viva is when the guide says "we recommend this candidate for the award of the doctoral degree". Those are the words that validate months, years of blood and sweat, toiling, burning the midnight oil, the sacrifices that one makes to get there. But, I never heard those words. That is right. My guide chose to never say these, not even conclude the viva with a thank you but simply get up and walk away for lunch. We presumed that the viva was over as she had adjourned to her room to eat!
Every family member and friend who was present in that room that day shed a tear, made a protest and empathised with me. But, I was washed over with a great sense of relief that I was a free person not bonded under such pettiness. I packed my bags and walked away from the department premises. My heart was filled with respect and gratitude for the great Madras University which had given me a new suffix; one that i had earned; one that did not mean I was someone's daughter or someone's wife but someone of my own! Dr. Swarnamalya Ganesh, it was. Make an announcement that I have been recommended or walk away for lunch, no one can take away from my work, I thought to myself.
Wanting to make "from the attic" was a dream that I had long cherished. I wanted to show the world, people what I had worked on. I wanted validation from connoisseurs, common people, the public, the audiences. They are the judges, I always thought. When I curated the exhibition, the lecture and the performance series of FROM THE ATTIC I always remembered how these were what I should have been allowed to share at my viva. A mortal guide or teacher (head) could not, did not want to give me, the deserved pat on the back for working hard, sincerely and for doing it through personal crisis, and other professional commitments. But the old adage "you will reap what you sow" is so true, for my sincere attempts and work was recognised and accepted and appreciated by people from around the world. Artistes, critics, scholars and others.
When I read S. Muthiah's article about me I was hugely surprised for he is a man of great credibility and a hard nut to crack. His words reassured me that I was on the right track and that original work is always visible and never can be shrouded beneath some mindless boot licking. When I read his words were he had said this is really how a Ph.D work must be done and not a mere cut and paste job, I felt the blessings of TSP mama, TNR sir, Sarasa amma and many of my Gurus showered upon me. So also the impressions that many artistes and scholars who recorded after watching the performance at Music Academy of From the Attic. They were genuine and very encouraging.
This public (in every sense on the word) who were present during my lecture, my exhibits, my work and my dance reconstruction was the real thing! I had true people watching and critiquing my work. I finally had a REALLY PUBLIC VIVA! I have pictures, I had critiques and I had the verdict!!!
That's how God, the eternal GURU disposes what man proposes.
To that Guru whose presence I feel in all the great Gurus, I bow my head in reverence and touch your feet with all humility. To those who made the ladder to the Attic a bit rickety, what can I say except, thanks to you, I have learnt to hold the railings tighter and climb faster!
Rickety nuts that didn't rattle the ladder to the Attic!
Dr.Swarnamalya Ganesh
P.S: This blog is written today, some three years after the horrific experience of my viva because I saw this morning a picture taken by a Ph.D scholar who recently had his viva at the same department. he was flaunting his pic on FB and I was reminded of the lack of one for myself. The second reason is that today is GURU PORNIMA. A day to remember the Gurus. I remember all of them. But for them, imagine what my plight would have been upon the onslaught of those in the garb.
P.P.S: S.Muthiah sir's article which is to me a viva evaluation and the impressions of artistes and audiences who saw FROM THE ATTIC premiere, a public viva voce
Making research come alive By S.Muthiah for The Hindu's Madras Miscellany
But this blog is a truth telling of a traumatic experience that was my Ph.D completion with this department. Being a full time performer and a actor my life is very busy juggling between shooting spots, rehearsals, classes and performance. When I decided to pursue my Masters academically, many people laughed sayign Im going to need more than 24 hours in a day. But I did manage it all and also to everyone's astonishment I stood first in my classes. The burning desire to "Know more" itched me to apply for a doctoral degree.
Admitting me was the choice of the department. It was an exam that determines the aptitude of the candidate and I had it, it seemed, so there was no looking back. If you have read my previous blogs you might have understood the extent of joy I derived in this journey. I met so many scholars, worked with/ under many superb theoriticians, interacted with many simple but awesome people. Those have been the most rewarding years and for this I sacrificed many of my other commitments be it cinema, Television, friends, family, social life etc. I recognised that serious academic pursuit requires serious time allocation and I did so more than willingly.
My guide at the Music department was a woman of talent but also a woman of mighty mood swings. For someone like me from the profession of cinema where mood swings are considered unprofessional behaviour this was really new and amusing. But, everyone else at the department taught me to work "around" her. We would whisper, tip toe, avoid and just simply resist the temptation to retaliation every time we were pushed around by her temper.
She was as little involved in my work and its progress as possible. It turned out to be an ample opportunity to meet other truly great scholars. So, in fact I always say that I had not one guide for my work but many many greats!
Not withstanding all this I worked at this department for six and half years before submitting my thesis. The fact that I was a known face, and someone who was not only a mere student but also a professional was at sometimes a pride for them. I was flaunted as an important student at functions, NAC committee meets etc but when the time came they would use it to nag me. But life had over the years made me tough and taught me to be strong and stand above such judgements. My doctoral thesis was given the rare distinction of "highly commendable" by both the international and national examiners. It was the duty of the department to fix my viva voce date at the earliest.
But the last straw in the hat began then. The department and my guide played the dirty game of politics of prejudice and malice. They wanted to delay my getting my doctoral degree, it seemed for they suppressed the very fact that the evaluations had come in! Next my thesis copy at the department went missing! When I demanded to know where it had gone, it miraculously returned to the cupboard in an hour! I had to seek the intervention of the Vice chancellor to help give me a fair viva. Thereupon, the department conducted the most grudging viva, perhaps in its history.
First of all, the external examiner who came had not either read or was not given the thesis in advance or could not comprehend the work at all. For a work that was entirely on the Nayak period, most of his questions were on why I hadn't written about the Cholas! Secondly, I was refused permission any assistance in operating the laptop etc. I had to set it up, operate, sing, dance, speak etc. Never mind that all other candidates who had done their viva before me had used their students, friends to help them. In fact some of them even had others answer the questions that were asked. Such is the advantage of being in the "right" side of the department head, I supposed.
My viva was attended by students, scholars from various institutions and eminent persons. Those who asked questions or wanted to comment on my work, be it a department head of another University or a historian were all "shooshed and shut up-ed" by the irreverent guide as she was in a dashing hurry to be done with my viva. I was given a mere 15 minutes to present my work. The six years of work was capsuled in essence to 15 minutes, music, dance, script, videos, research included. But even those 15 minutes were interrupted with constant chattering between the guide and the external examiner! Both the audience and me were left shocked by this unprofessionalism.
But the two things that hurt me and left me completely dislodged were how I was never allowed to take even a single photo during the viva in memory of that momentous day. Every one who has done their viva in the department had videographed their proceedings and I was categorically told to not take even a picture. Perhaps they wanted no evidence of the mistreatment of a candidate on tape! The "and the oscar goes to..." moment in every Ph.D viva is when the guide says "we recommend this candidate for the award of the doctoral degree". Those are the words that validate months, years of blood and sweat, toiling, burning the midnight oil, the sacrifices that one makes to get there. But, I never heard those words. That is right. My guide chose to never say these, not even conclude the viva with a thank you but simply get up and walk away for lunch. We presumed that the viva was over as she had adjourned to her room to eat!
Every family member and friend who was present in that room that day shed a tear, made a protest and empathised with me. But, I was washed over with a great sense of relief that I was a free person not bonded under such pettiness. I packed my bags and walked away from the department premises. My heart was filled with respect and gratitude for the great Madras University which had given me a new suffix; one that i had earned; one that did not mean I was someone's daughter or someone's wife but someone of my own! Dr. Swarnamalya Ganesh, it was. Make an announcement that I have been recommended or walk away for lunch, no one can take away from my work, I thought to myself.
Wanting to make "from the attic" was a dream that I had long cherished. I wanted to show the world, people what I had worked on. I wanted validation from connoisseurs, common people, the public, the audiences. They are the judges, I always thought. When I curated the exhibition, the lecture and the performance series of FROM THE ATTIC I always remembered how these were what I should have been allowed to share at my viva. A mortal guide or teacher (head) could not, did not want to give me, the deserved pat on the back for working hard, sincerely and for doing it through personal crisis, and other professional commitments. But the old adage "you will reap what you sow" is so true, for my sincere attempts and work was recognised and accepted and appreciated by people from around the world. Artistes, critics, scholars and others.
When I read S. Muthiah's article about me I was hugely surprised for he is a man of great credibility and a hard nut to crack. His words reassured me that I was on the right track and that original work is always visible and never can be shrouded beneath some mindless boot licking. When I read his words were he had said this is really how a Ph.D work must be done and not a mere cut and paste job, I felt the blessings of TSP mama, TNR sir, Sarasa amma and many of my Gurus showered upon me. So also the impressions that many artistes and scholars who recorded after watching the performance at Music Academy of From the Attic. They were genuine and very encouraging.
This public (in every sense on the word) who were present during my lecture, my exhibits, my work and my dance reconstruction was the real thing! I had true people watching and critiquing my work. I finally had a REALLY PUBLIC VIVA! I have pictures, I had critiques and I had the verdict!!!
That's how God, the eternal GURU disposes what man proposes.
To that Guru whose presence I feel in all the great Gurus, I bow my head in reverence and touch your feet with all humility. To those who made the ladder to the Attic a bit rickety, what can I say except, thanks to you, I have learnt to hold the railings tighter and climb faster!
Rickety nuts that didn't rattle the ladder to the Attic!
Dr.Swarnamalya Ganesh
P.S: This blog is written today, some three years after the horrific experience of my viva because I saw this morning a picture taken by a Ph.D scholar who recently had his viva at the same department. he was flaunting his pic on FB and I was reminded of the lack of one for myself. The second reason is that today is GURU PORNIMA. A day to remember the Gurus. I remember all of them. But for them, imagine what my plight would have been upon the onslaught of those in the garb.
P.P.S: S.Muthiah sir's article which is to me a viva evaluation and the impressions of artistes and audiences who saw FROM THE ATTIC premiere, a public viva voce
Making research come alive By S.Muthiah for The Hindu's Madras Miscellany
